Mercy For My Mess
Do you ever find yourself in a mess? Self-inflicted or placed on you by others, and you've gotten so comfortable carrying it you forget it's even there? Or you feel the weight of it, but you've learned how to contort who you are to continue dragging it along because you were taught to "just be strong"-you're stuck with it for the rest of your life? 😕
Both scenarios are apart of my life story. I have suppressed memories, pushed feelings in the back of the closet to be forgotten. I even carry my mess around like Gucci luggage, thinking I'm strong. Honestly, all of that has added to my brokenness. It caused me to neglect myself, allow others to hurt me, made openings for depression, anxiety, and health issues to come crawling in. While the real me drowns in the shadows of this person I have become.😖
I have grown weary from carrying these bags. I'm tired of feeling alone as I try to pull myself out of this mess...then here comes God swooping like a superhero!🦸♂️ I find myself in tears right now because He does this for me over and over again!😢😭 I feel like David when he said, “what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?” Psalms 8:4 ESV
I cry because I know I’m not worthy of his grace and mercy, but He gives it to me. He provides a season of clarity, backs the devil up, and shines a bright light towards the exit. But it’s up to me to crawl, walk, hop or run towards it.🏃♀️ He opens my eyes to see what is truth and lies so that I might make clear choices. The weight and the blindness of the situations lift off of me, giving me enough time to make a move.
I envision the fog clearing up all around me in a dark room. I see a door emerge out of the thickness that I couldn’t see before. It’s not wide open but cracked enough for me to notice a glimmer of light.
Now it’s time for me to make some choices. Do I begin moving towards the door? It's real easy to yell at the movie screen, "girl, run." But the truth is it ain't always that easy to get my feet moving.
What would you do?
That fog was my comfort zone, that unhealthy-dysfunctional best friend I’ve known all my life. I often tried to run from it, but fear, outside pressures, and the discomfort of stepping into the unknown overtook me. There are plenty of times God delivered me from its’ grip, but only to find myself running right back into my mess because it’s so much easier not to have to face change. So, I would lift my hands, shout in victory, worship the Lord, and let the lie of deliverance fool you and myself. Most didn’t pay enough attention to me to know the difference. If I was to speak the truth, I was emulating what many others were doing themselves.
Sidebar: I am not here to throw shade at anyone but the devil, and I'm never going to give you names, organizations, etc., so please don’t ask.
Yet, God noticed and knew the truth. He knows I have allowed myself to stay stuck, and yet He always comes back for me. It might be why I am so thankful for God’s grace and mercy. I am reminded of what Jesus stated, “Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven-for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, love little.” Luke 7:47 God has shown me so much mercy for my mess that it causes me to trust Him more and to be less judgmental.
After a lifetime of living in darkness, I’ve stirred up my courage and begun moving forward. I’m focused on God’s voice and no others. My eyes are locked in on Him and no other. I am leaning on His strength and wisdom to bring me out. The truth is, I don’t know how much change will be required of me, but I do know there's peace and the real me on the other side of that door. With every step, weights are falling. Yes, some days are harder than others, and sometimes I slip. But I catch my breath and get back up because this time I believe what God said about me…”I am more than what they say about me. I am fierce. I am His child, and I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.”
I am who God say I am and so are you.
Stay encouraged and continue expressing what you believe and loving who you are.